Saturday, July 29, 2006

Armageddon: are Visa cheque cards the Mark of the Beast?

Biblical scholars will reveal to you (if you can catch one) the ultimate secrets of the end times. Actually, I couldn't catch one myself, so I just looked it up on the Internet. See the Endtime Timeline for more details.

Now, back to my point. As you are aware, dear reader, I am not of this temporal plane. Like the old man on the mountain, I look sorrowfully down on you all from a vantage point that few have ever experienced (Diane interjects that like that old man, I'm probably completely off my rocker as well, but nevermind her; she is just jealous. You're greener than Billy's homegrown, Diane. I pity you in spades). Getting back to my point here, I have stumbled upon an informational trinket that just may save your life. And this isn't another one of those, "Oh no! The world is coming to an end in three days! Race to your bomb shelters and pray for an alkaline miracle to wash away the sulfuric acid rain!" type of trinkets. I've read The Boy who cried Wolf and I won't tempt your trust again. I have also read Echo and Narcissus and I am totally convinced that the moral of the story is that Narcissus is totally gay. Totally.

Anyway, I was reading the National Post, and stumbled upon a most unnerving article. Apparently, Visa, acting on the FDA's approval of human microchip implants, is leading the charge toward the proverbial cashless society by creating the first cheque card microchip. I would link to the article that covers this most heinous example of scientific debauchery, but alas, it is not available to you! Yet. And where on the human body do these satantic Visa engineers plan to embed this chip? You can take it on your hand, or lacking a hand, on your head, because no one lacks a head except the Headless Horseman of Sleepy Hollow, and we all know that is just fantastial nonsense!!!

The Beast has revealed himself! He is the owner of Visa! Who is the owner of Visa, you ask? Well, let me just Google that and ... uhh ... hmmm ... apparently no one owns Visa, it is simply a joint venture of thousands of financial institutions. How is that going to fit into my conspiracy factuality? AHA! The Beast is international banking! Of course! It all fits!

Save yourselves, peons! If you own a Visa card, you've already enlisted in the army of the Beast! The microchip promotes you to officer status! We are all doomed! I myself own, like, five Visa cards and they are all maxed out from paying for my Clozaril®!

I offer no further advice but this: follow the clues. Escape the fate of 1.4 billion Visa cardholders. Pay off your balance and cancel your memberships before it's too late!

By the way, Diane tells me that Echo and Narcissus isn't a fable by Aesop, but rather a poem by Ovid and there really isn't supposed to be a moral at all. That's sooo gay.

Friday, July 21, 2006

Jedi Master Snazz

Instead of a long, long time ago, it's only a long time ago, and Jedi Master Snazz continues the war against the darkside with cunning flips, x-ray vision, and a blaster in the offhand. Watch him FREAK OUT on the old fashioned Sith lords with their namsy pamsy parlour tricks by comparsion! Clones? Master Snazz practises on clones when he isn't fighting more worthwhile opponents. Who can stop Snazz? No one can stop Snazz.

Beware, evil doers! This isn't just your ordinary arbitrator of petty trade disputes, but the dude they keep locked up until SOMEONE NEEDS AN ASS WHOOPING! You may not believe this, but in all his days of enforcing grim justice, Snazz has never soiled his uniform. Who has time to use the force to repel flying blood and guts while inflicting mortal wounds on his unlucky foe? Snazz does.

"May the Force Be AWESOME!" - Jedi Master Snazz

Hero Machine

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Dare I touch religion?

And speaking of mentioning Bush (count 'em, four!), doesn't religion fall into this category of must-have blog posts also?

But look! In the previous post I mentioned Jack Van Impe, that dear old doomsday prophesying machine. Ha! I have tread this thin ice covered in egg shells and reached the other side with nary a crunch or crack or sploosh! What else could I possibly say? The man speaks for himself:

"I am not sure whether [President Bush] knows all of the prophecies and how deep of a student he has been in God's Word, but I was contacted a few weeks ago by the Office of Public Liaison for the White House and by the National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice to make an outline," Van Impe says on his website. "And I've spent hours preparing it. I will release this information to the public in September, but it's in his [you know who] hands. He will know exactly what is going to happen in the Middle East and what part he will have under the leading of the Holy Spirit of God." Christianity Today

Even if it isn't true, it's still true, you know? And I should know better than any of you, heavens yes.

Friday, July 14, 2006

If I die before 2008 ...

I must admit, dear reader, that living in the future does have its drawbacks. And I want you to know that I fully appreciate the fact that all I've ever done so far is complain about it, making the last statement rather flippant and equivocal. Take for instance, the growing dissatisfaction amongst the American public with Bush. (Note that I might have mentioned earlier that no blog is a blog without at least one Bush post. I never said I'd never bring it up again! The savvy amongst you will have noticed that this is actually the third). Sure, its slowly dawning on the wingnuts and hillbillies that their fearless leader is actually completely useless, but I can tell you with a measured degree of certainty that four days from now, or right now if you're me, or four days ago if you're me four days from now, a very remarkable number of white folks will be tuning into Jack Van Impe to hear his latest predictions of the apocalypse and what a wonderful day that will be, an even more remarkable number of rich and lonely advertising consultants will watch Bill O'Reily complain about two or three extremely irrelevant subjects, and finally, millions and millions and millions of us around the globe will bitterly complain about the weather.

What is your point, Milton?

Didn't I just say flippant and equivocal?

Friday, July 07, 2006

Rejected "For Dummies" title

Thanks to for making this so easy to create.

Sunday, July 02, 2006

All hail MP4.

As I pack away my cds, having just copied them all to an external hard drive, I ask myself: Will these ever have more value than they do right now?

And then Diane pipes up "Dummy. Does anyone care about cassettes?"

I'll keep the rare ones; how is that for a compromise?

Stupid, smart-alecky Diane!