Thursday, October 22, 2009

Windows 7 Review - Six Months into the Future!

That's right, punks! You're getting a review, from the future, and I'm doing you a serious favour!

How, you ask, can you possibly do this? Well, first off, let me just come right out and thank you for not immediately dismissing me as a total fraud. It may surprise you to learn that not all blog surfers take this as the serious cry for help that it truly is; some have accused me of writing comedy! But not you, friend. You're one of the good dudes/chicks. At any rate, I believe I have answered your question.

And now,

Windows 7Royalty Free photograph of Bill Gates using Windows 7 on his trusty 386
From the Future
A Review!

First of all, why did you buy Windows 7 in the first place? Your computer isn't good enough to run Windows 7. Buy a new computer: it will come with Windows 7. You never had a choice. This review is so fucking moot.

It's better than Vista. But you didn't need six months to figure that out. Keep in mind that certain temporal mechanical something-or-others prevent me from revealing important future occurrences, so I have to be careful. Ok, here we go, I can say this:

Windows 7 is okay now (your now), but it's even better 6 months from now (still your now, but my present) when the major bugs are dealt with and hardware developers start delivering drivers that aren't completely worthless and/or stench-ridden.

Nay, friend, not only the beta testers are guinea pigs! Enjoy your torment at the hands of the world's largest collection of douches and out-of-touch assholes! Remember when they wanted to buy Yahoo!? LOLZ!!!! What a sucker you are - wanting to be ahead of your friends in the all-important OS status club, and yet lacking the subtle savvy and smugness of your fellow Linux users.

In conclusion, don't buy Windows 7. One way or the other, it will eventually wind up as your OS through no conscious effort of your own save for buying a new computer. It's six months from now and that has already happened ... for some of you - MM

Morton Milton has no formal training in Journalism or Computer Science and yet is a master of both. Fall prostrate at his feet, mortals!

Friday, September 25, 2009

Yes, I am still skipping through time. Yes, it is still very inconvenient.

But I've given up on telling you, friends! You never believed that I could actually write to the past, which is your present, and try to run a simple blog about my boring life! No, I can't change anything, I can just post to this stupid blog in an oh-so-after-the-fact excruciation and forever curse my terrible misfortune! I think there's some paradox I made up to explain the whole thing; it's somewhere down below. \|/ I'm too lazy to bother adding a link. What, you got a problem with that avid subscriber? pfffffft.

But. Rest assured, time travel for me contains absolutely zero positives.

Now, I'd like to discuss Public health care in the province of New Brunswick.

A friend of mine and I were having a conversation. Yes we were. One said, I don't feel well. The other said, better make an appointment with your family doctor. One replied, yeah it would suck to wait at the emergency room for hours. And then one of us had a brainstorm: why can't we go home and let them call us when they are ready to see us? Give us 1/2 hour to get back! We go home and sleep instead of sitting with a bunch of strangers for anywhere from 10 mintues to 15 hours! No, sorry, it's against policy to give out average wait times, doctor, triage, blah blah blah.

Yeah, screw you New Brunswick, we just pwned our health care system.

No doubt tomorrow will be next Wednesday or some such nonsense.

Oh right, here's that link.
Now it's next Wednesday

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

How to fix your computer

This applies to 70% of you (maybe more!).

It's called Factory Reset.

Does this sound like you? You bought your computer in a big box store, took it home and took it out - of that big box - and turned it on. Windows XP or Vista loaded up and asked you a bunch of obvious questions. Now, it's anywhere from six months to five years later; everything is slow or screwy or both.

Oh, the crazy stuff you did to fix it! Did you enjoy anti-spyware hell? Did it really solve your problems or was it all in the mind? And what about all those ghosts of programs past that you've already deleted? And yet they torment you by loading but not really loading and never leaving your program list! Some of you have even attempted complex registry editing to "fix it at the roots" but all you did was make it worse. Sifting through the crap on help forums left you feeling exasperated and helpless.

Someone out there told you I was a computer genius. In actuality, I am a third-rate hobbyist, but I still know more than you! "Hi, I'm Whoever, Someone told me you're good with computers?"
"I'm ok, I guess."
"My computer is slow and blah blah blah," you go on to describe a multitude of buggy Windows behaviours - everything from "hesitant response time" to "Blue Screen of Death (BSOD)!!!
"Great news!" I confidently assure you, "Do a simple factory reset and all your problems disappear. It'll look and run exactly as the first day you brought it home and turned it on."
"But wait!" you whine, "All my music and pictures are on there! I'll need to back them up first. That's a big job - is there an easy way to do it?"

But before I can answer, some other dude has loaded a website to show you the latest cleaning product. Its flashy colours and bold claims suck you in. Oh, so much easier than backing up all that data (not to mention putting it back on!). This one is so comprehensive: it cleans spyware AND the registry AND blah blah blah.

Well, just remember this, ingrate: your hard drive is slowly dying and one day it will quit for good. All will be lost. Have fun wasting your time with XP CLEEN ULTRA MAX and losing all your precious data. I gave you the opportunity to both revive your computer and backup your stuff and you brushed me off like so many Subway sandwich crumbs.


Wednesday, September 02, 2009

Alcohol Sensitivity Syndrome

Sufferers of ASS can find a surprisingly sophisticated support system in Usenet Newsgroups.

I forget the address.

the saki sockey game

|\|uff said. I am interwebz.

copyright 2009, Morton Milton Publishing. All rights reserved.
Use of the Saki sockey game in intellectual or actual form is prohibited.

Apparently, there was more to say.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009


unhinged as an iron stove door
crashing to the masonry
a glass front splatters tiny shards across the room
and no one dares move for fear of blood

flames lick the carpet
the glass is forgotten in the scramble
the cowards watch the house burn down

and one fool asks:
"Do you have fire insurance?"