Thursday, October 22, 2009

Windows 7 Review - Six Months into the Future!

That's right, punks! You're getting a review, from the future, and I'm doing you a serious favour!

How, you ask, can you possibly do this? Well, first off, let me just come right out and thank you for not immediately dismissing me as a total fraud. It may surprise you to learn that not all blog surfers take this as the serious cry for help that it truly is; some have accused me of writing comedy! But not you, friend. You're one of the good dudes/chicks. At any rate, I believe I have answered your question.

And now,

Windows 7Royalty Free photograph of Bill Gates using Windows 7 on his trusty 386
From the Future
A Review!

First of all, why did you buy Windows 7 in the first place? Your computer isn't good enough to run Windows 7. Buy a new computer: it will come with Windows 7. You never had a choice. This review is so fucking moot.

It's better than Vista. But you didn't need six months to figure that out. Keep in mind that certain temporal mechanical something-or-others prevent me from revealing important future occurrences, so I have to be careful. Ok, here we go, I can say this:

Windows 7 is okay now (your now), but it's even better 6 months from now (still your now, but my present) when the major bugs are dealt with and hardware developers start delivering drivers that aren't completely worthless and/or stench-ridden.

Nay, friend, not only the beta testers are guinea pigs! Enjoy your torment at the hands of the world's largest collection of douches and out-of-touch assholes! Remember when they wanted to buy Yahoo!? LOLZ!!!! What a sucker you are - wanting to be ahead of your friends in the all-important OS status club, and yet lacking the subtle savvy and smugness of your fellow Linux users.

In conclusion, don't buy Windows 7. One way or the other, it will eventually wind up as your OS through no conscious effort of your own save for buying a new computer. It's six months from now and that has already happened ... for some of you - MM

Morton Milton has no formal training in Journalism or Computer Science and yet is a master of both. Fall prostrate at his feet, mortals!