Friday, May 26, 2006

Reminders of my own insignificance (self pity in three flats)

So the newness has worn off, and I have grown all too accustomed to living in this brave new temporal plane. Dr. Forbes has me on some new meds, and the nightmares, daymares, and seizures have subsided somewhat.

Perhaps this would be a good time to take stock of my situation and decide on the next course of action:

My ex-girlfriend keeps writing and calling me, but since I live four days ahead of her, I can never take her back. She will never see the world like I see it. She will never see herself like I see her, as a boring, slightly nosy, and altogether smart-alecky prima donna with too much trustfund and too little ambition. Fuck you Diane, for the final time hopefully!

I was unable to take advantage of the winning lottery numbers in last weeks Super 7 jackpot. Dr. Forbes has patiently explained to me that if I send the numbers back to myself 4 days earlier, I might accidentally rupture my already tenuous hold on this spacetime eddy. Like a jet ski ramming through a roped off section of the beach, reserved for Mrs. Harper's grade 3 field trip, the thrill of the moment would be overshadowed by the horror of future consequences.

My supervisor is coming! Yikes!

"Thanks for calling Comcast, this is Morton speaking, how can I help you today?"

"Cut my digical cable back on right now!"

"Did we cut it off, ma'am?"

"Yeah, you fuckers cut it off cause I ain't paid my bill, but I ain't received a bill yet! You cut it off, now cut it back on!"

"Ok, ma'am, I'd certainly be happy to take a look at your account for you, can I start with your home telephone number? ..."

Saturday, May 20, 2006

Now it's next Wednesday

Just a quick update on my temporal situation, folks. It's next Wednesday and very little has changed. The Ducks-Oilers series rages on! I guess I told you things were fucked up and all Hell had broken loose in a previous post. My bad. Believe me that I would never intentionally lead anyone on like that! Ahem, now if you'll excuse me, I have work to do.

And yes, Diane! It has occurred to me that it might really be next Wednesday, and this whole writing to the past thing is all in my head! Fuck you! My method of temporal communication is both foolproof and logically sound.

You see, if I haven't posted a mesage yet, it can't possibly be there, but as soon as I write it and send it backward through the spacetime continuum, it appears on my blog both in the past and all points up to and including the present.

It is always the last posting on this blog and there are never any posts from the present that appear before that post. Therefore, everything appears in the right order and is never further along than four days ago.

That chill you just felt was the long, cold grip of logic strangling all arguments withing you, Diane.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Kyoto Message Board Snippet (4 days into the future!!)

Lipstick Liberal
Even Canada is having a hard time dealing with the Kyoto accord.

Canada is having trouble with Kyoto because it procrastinated implementing real policy and now we have a bunch of Albertans running the country. (Your version of Texas, right down to the rodeos, oil, and general disdain toward the rest of the nation).

Lipstick Liberal
Canada CANT meet the obligation set by Kyoto not because the conservative minority government wishes to ignore Kyoto, its because YOU wont slow down on producing the pollution.

You must remember that your government is discussing a problem that YOU help create.

Oh, so its individual responsibility is it? That's very progressive of you.

Never mind forcing industry to curb emmissions, or implementing any kind of sound policy or strategy for reducing our consumption of oil over the next decades.

Its up to me to stop driving my car to work and take the bus instead! that'll solve everything!

Hey, here's an idea, I'll stop buying paper and wiping my arse and Irving will stop clear cutting the old-growth forest as well!

And my government isn't supposed to be DISCUSSING the problem. It's supposed to be honoring an international treaty that it signed in good faith almost ten years ago to reduce greenhouse gas emissions. Some shitty advertising campaign to reduce garbage (the infamous 1 ton challenge, which I am proud to say I accomplished - you should see my space age composting system!!!) isnt' the answer!

Bold moves, like expanding transit systems to make them worthwhile to use, mandatory composting and recycling (already done quite successfully in Nova Scotia), heavy enforcement of emmission controls in factories, this is what our government needs to do.

Take action! Lead by example! Raise the fucking bar!

Thursday, May 04, 2006

More time travel, and warnings from the future!

Friends! It has happened again! This time I tripped over a loose shoelace and fell into Next Monday. My God! What has the world come to? There is death and destruction everywhere! With the help of a brilliant scientist named Roger Forbes, I have devised a way to transmit my posts back to the present. From now on, I will always be exactly 4 days ahead of you. Heed my advice and live, friends!

From what I can glean from the local newspapers, the first catastrophe will occur in ...

Oh, why bother? It's not like anyone reads this stupid blog, anyway. Fuck you, world - especially you, Diane.

Morton out.