Wednesday, December 29, 2010

I knew I only had 48 hours

It occurred to me afterward that I should have taken pictures. Sucks to be you, friend. I have all the pictures in my head.

My Neon's radiator was leaking, friend. LEAKING! You think time traveling is fucking roses? You think I have the cash for a fucking RADIATOR? It is winter. There was snow. There was a holiday holiday thanks to Christmas falling on Saturday. Fuck yeah. And there was Wednesday afternoon, when back to work I must go, and my radiator dumps 7 litres of water onto the driveway every 24 hours - water because I've since stopped using the green shit. I'll say I've switched due to the cost, but I'm really more concerned about the environment. It's Monday morning. The storm has passed. Yeah. A FUCKING STORM JUST PASSED!

Wait. Water in Winter? Am I fucking mad? Pffffft. Fuck your winter! Me and my block heater fuck your winter!!

The Extraction.
Now, I don't like to dramatize when the more mundane recounting will suffice, but extreme pain and extreme misery marked day one! The rusty bolts! The biting wind! The cursing and the swearing and the constant stomping to the computer to read up on fans and plugs and headers and footers and then there was the fucking HACKSAW! Yeah, it's that kind of story. Deal with it, fucker! and finally I get those fucking bolts off, those fucking wires unplugged, the fans removed with the utmost gentleness so as not to completely frak them out of their usefulness (thanks to my attractive brunette roommate for actually doing that part. You've got nimble fingers! .... too weird?) Those hoses carefully covered with plastic bags and elastics. And the radiator comes free and i am finally able to actually attempt to actually fix this stupid fucking leaky radiator! AHHHHHHHH!!!!!! That took way too long! TOO LONG!!!!!

The Inspection
Thank you DannysCam for allowing me to pressure test my radiator free of charge. A. Fucking. One. Found the leak on day two. The outlet for the radiator cooler tube, located in the rad's footer (reservoir)was loose. A home made o-ring fashioned from a piece of rubber and a screwdriver (Hey, I couldn't find my hole-punch, jackass!), a couple twists of a 3/4in wrench and the radiator is fixed.

Retrospection on the Anticlimactic Rad Inspection
I'm disappointed. I'd come looking for a fight. JB Weld. Duct Tape. Whatever it took. I was going to OUT MAN that radiator and feel my whiskers grow 1/2 an inch. Who am I kidding? I was fucking ECSTATIC! The horrors of yesterday were nearly almost kinda sort of not on my mind all the time anymore! We were going to lick this thing!

I couldn't wait till morning. I dragged my hot brunette roommate outside near midnight to reinstall the fans, after spending the better part of late afternoon reinstalling the radiator and hooking up the hoses. My trusty strap-on LED head light helped us fit it in and reattach the wires from underneath.

And here, let me take some time out to give props to ramps. Ramps are cool. They aren't jack stands; they're ramps. And one day I'll drive right over top of them and destroy my front end, but not just yet.

The Last Hours
I awoke to a snag. After reassembly, I knew I must refill the system with liquid and keep it liquid or the whole system would be too frozen to start tomorrow. I refilled with water and plugged the block heater back in. If all went well, the levels would be steady in the morning and I could drive to Canadian Tire and buy some antifreeze. I smoked too much dope and passed out watching Conan so as to pass the time. In the morning, the coolant levels were steady. But the car still OVERHEATED! I did not panic. YES I DID!!! I got scared! I envisioned a seized water pump or a plugged heater core or any other destruction beyond my capability. I fretted and worried and put the car back on ramps to inspect. There were no leaks.

And then I was calm again. This wasn't so bad. Let's just take the rad cap off, run the vehicle a little on low idle ... STEAM! CRAZY STEAM! STEAM FLYING OUT LIKE MADDDDDDNEESSSSSSSS!!!!!! And then suddenly, WHOOSH and the liquid sucks down into the system and I know it's WORKING! Operating temperature was maintained, the fans were both fully operational and the drive to Canadian Tire was uneventful, save for there being absolutely no heat.

There's always something, isn't there? I'm on like, hour 55 now (I'm always late, time is meaningless, blah blah blah). So I buy my antifreeze. I pick up a new three-dollar wood/plastic ice scraper/brush on impulse (you know what I'm talkin' about!). I drive home. On the way I sort of desperately and mentally WILL the heater to start working, but to no avail: maybe there a little warmth? Still cold though. I hope and wish and wishy wishy wish that it's something that'll work itself out.

Draining the water was another story. So awful, I shan't repeat it! SHAN'T! This time, I poured in the entire 7 litres of antifreeze while the engine was running AND I did it very slowly, allowing the pump to suck it away so as not to waste a drop of that sweet green wash. So green. So pretty. So good-smelly. So awful that so much of it has poured into my driveway. Also slowly to prevent air bubbles from forming, which I have optimistically theorized as the cause of my no heat problem.

And I drove to work. And the heater started working almost immediately! Hooray! Then, I bragged to all my friends, who were reasonably impressed and wearing new sweaters that their moms got them for Christmas, and work was the same old shit it ever is.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Dome Teams are DOOMed Teams

Domes are stupid; c'mon Minnesota, you want a wussy turf ballet or do you want some FOOTBALL?!?! And retractable roofs are stupid too; Minnesota's going to build a stadium for JUST their football team, and open it up twice a year. What a frakking waste. Chicago will hopefully kill this team so hard that even Zygi will clue in that DOME Teams are DOOMed teams.*

*Unless they have homefield advantage a la Saints/Colts**
** Colts won the Superbowl in the rain you say? Pfffft. Miami Rain! You call that rain? NO!

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Quite a jump. And now there's no one. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, there's no one left but me. Verner Vinge was right. The singularity has taken us, hopefully, to a higher plane of existence and now I must face the world alone.

Well. That's what it says on my answering machine, anyway. And with the ringer turned off, the illusion is complete. I will talk to the world after the Midterms. I already know what happens and it ain't pretty. See, I've got a sure bet I'm right no matter who wins. Here's a hint, though. Stephen Harper is now Speaker of the House in the US Senate. Yeah. It's going to be that crazy!

It's difficult to write after a year off. Even if it only took me one day.

Or Whatever.