Thursday, March 23, 2006

What Dungeons & Dragons Character Am I?

I Am A: Chaotic Evil Half-Elf Cleric Fighter

Chaotic Evil characters are the most 'evil' people out there. They are willing to do anything to get ahead, and will kill anyone who stands in their way. A chaotic evil person sees no value in order and governments, and believes to the utmost in the tenant that 'Might Makes Right'.

Half-Elves are a cross between a human and an elf. They are smaller, like their elven ancestors, but have a much shorter lifespan. They are sometimes looked down upon as half-breeds, but this is rare. They have both the curious drive of humans and the patience of elves.

Primary Class:
Clerics are the voices of their God/desses on Earth. They perform the work of their deity, but this doesn't mean that they preach to a congregation all their lives. If their deity needs something done, they will do it, and can call upon that deity's power to accomplish their goals.

Secondary Class:
Fighters are the warriors. They use weapons to accomplish their goals. This isn't to say that they aren't intelligent, but that they do, in fact, believe that violence is frequently the answer.

Talos is the Chaotic Evil god of storms, forest fires, earthquakes, tornadoes, and destruction in general. He is also known as the Destroyer. His followers fear him more than worship him, and they revel in the destructive fury of nature - while praying to be spared from its wrath. Talos's symbol is three lightning bolts, of different colors, coming from a central point.

Find out What D&D Character Are You?, courtesy of NeppyMan (e-mail)

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

My new Super Power

While gulping down my 12th extra-large triple-sugar coffee at work today, a queer feeling came over me. More specifically, the feeling came over my groinal area. I quickly excused myself to the lavatory and locked myself in the largest stall, the one reserved for the physically disabled. I unzipped, peeked inside and WHOA! My penis had shriveled to such a degree that it seemed to have retracted inside of me. My testes had done the same thing!

So that is my new super power. With enough coffee, I can make my genitals hide inside my body, thus rendering me impervious from kicks to the crotch.

I promise that I will only use this new-found power for the betterment of mankind. Try and kick me now, Diane, you sadistic fucking wench!

Friday, March 03, 2006

I Must Destroy You

Lemme level with you. The whole Mars thing was made up. Or perhaps Mars was an allegory for the United States of America. Communists everywhere have dreamed of destroying America as well. And as Jean-Francois Revel would have you believe, they soon will due to inevitable advantages.

But Revel forgets that they had Elvis - a true king - to compensate for all the shortcomings of those worthless bureaucrats in D.C. What did the Commies have to distract the plebs from the Kremlin? Military parades? Yawn.

My fantasy places Canada in the role of hero against the villainous Americans. I picture us as noble defenders of the great North, a shield against the horde below, who turning their hungry eyes to our untouched lands, meet only the points of our swords and the harrowing winds of Winter.

Alas, fantasy it will remain. We emulate their bullshit culture and sell our land, our power, ourselves to them for bargain basement prices. Our horde bows to Mammon as theirs does. Our lakes are dirtied, our forests raped, our oil burned. At least the commies wasted it all on themselves.

Are you angry because the Americans came, took everything of value and now give the orders, or are you angry because you are an American and you hate yourself for it? Imagine being Canadian and being angry about both.